Monday, May 05, 2008
It's been one of those days
Those days that I hate yet they still rear their head once or twice year. Where you wonder...what the hell am I doing? What was I thinking? Where's the stop button? I want to get off!!
You wonder if there will be a time when anything can be said between certain people without a major snit happening. Where you look around and everywhere your eyes fall you see jobs that won't take hours but days . Where you sort laundry and every piece of clothing you KNOW wasn't worn (like my bathing suit!) is like a stab. You don't have the water, you don't have the time and no one should have to wash clean clothes, it just isn't right. You know that it's your doing. If you could only get caught up on folding and putting away the clean clothes. They wouldn't end up on the livingroom floor and then thrown into the laundry when kids are cleaning the livingroom. But that requires you to have somewhere to put the folded clothes and that requires something else to be cleaned off first and.... *heavy sigh* The girls started the job but it just seem to have made more of a mess of things and more clothes seem on their way to the livingroom floor.
Then I feel like a failure and unworthy to be the mom because I can't get them to listen and help without sounding like a raving lunatic. Do they realize this place isn't just bad, it's BAD! That if certain people saw this place it could get downright scary around here. While sorting laundry in the bathroom I hear...why bother, it's just going to be messy in a few minutes anyways. OUCH! TOUCHE! It would be oh so easy to say, I agree! So let's just say screw it! But I keep on sorting. It'd be nice to feel like I managed to do something constructive but all I've done is make piles of clothes that scream...LOOK HOW FAR BEHIND YOU ARE! You'll never catch up with the water situation like it is. Can't someone put MY needs first and just fix the stupid timer on the pump so I can have a decent supply of water? Don't you guys get it...it's NOT working like it is!?! (my needs? oh that's rich, a good water supply so we can wash clothes, do dishes and take showers...it's all about me)
I know I'm suppose to fight against these discouraging thoughts and I try, really I do. I pray, scrub a pot, pray some more and scrub a bit harder. Then I get mad at myself that they seem to be winning and I'm not doing so well. All I want to do is go into my room and have a really good cry, but I don't have time...there's dinner to make, a crying baby to tend to, a toddler who's forgotten what a toilet is, a kid who needs to be picked up from work, sunday night before school stuff to do, laundry demand vs the shower demand vs the well water level battle to be fought, etc. So I stand at the sink and let the dirty pots and pans reduce me to hysterics. It's cookware for crying out loud!!! You're such a dolt! Compared to others your life is a cakewalk and here you are crying your eyes out...poor poor pitiful pearl. Oh great now all the kids are watching me out of the corners of their eyes, and walking on eggshells. This is NOT how things are suppose to be. It is not how I want them to be! UGGGGGGGGGGGGH!
Tom was watching me and on the verge of asking what's wrong. Luckily he doesn't ask because I know the answer "nothing" won't be accepted, especially while crying. I can't lay this on him. He works too hard to support us to be pulled down into this ugliness. There is NO way I would ever want him to think he wasn't doing enough to support us. The man would work 36hrs a day for us if it was possible. But to tell you the truth...I really don't know what the man was thinking when he bought that new car! The insurance bill came on Saturday and I almost threw up when I saw it. Our old bill not only doubled, it almost quadrupled! He has no idea when he'll get his promotion and I have $300+ a month added to the bills soon. I know, I know...more then half that money would've been spent in gas for the van if I'd been using it for the last 4+ days/650 miles. Not to mention we've had less stress now that we can both drive at the same time. Still there's something intimidating about a monthly car and insurance payment. I almost feel like the gas is like cigarettes...where you don't have the money for bills, but you always manage to find it for your cigarettes. (and before you smokers get up in arms...I used to smoke so I'm speaking from experience, not as a judgement) I know things will work out, they always do. I just have to stop being anxious.
I cleaned while the kids ate dinner, had to use the pented up whatever. As they left the table and went past me in the hall I got a few silent hugs. Danielle was watching me work, asking...why you cryin mommy? I drop what I'm doing, scoop her up and sit with her on the couch. The other kids are hanging out in Val's and Michelle's room, including Sean. We just sit and cuddle for a while until I hear Sean fussing. The kids bring him down into the livingroom and he joins us. After a few scrunched up nose, bare the teeth smiles from him....I'm goo.
Danielle sings us some songs. Sean entertains us with his..."I'm getting bigger every second" antics. I feel the depression and frustration easing a lot. How could I not want this? How could I not feel blessed to have what I do. I nurse Sean until he's out cold and put him to bed. Then Danielle and I do laundry and retreat to the couch again. The kids get ready for bed and we get in our pre bedtime hugs and cuddles. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Tom wakes up Sean as he's getting into bed and we do the nursing/cuddling/falling asleep routine again and back into bed he goes. Then it's Danielle's turn to cuddle and fall asleep. So warm and cuddly. I put her on the couch, switch laundry and get on here for some bare my soul time. Sean wakes up again and does the nursing/falls asleep thing again and here we sit, in the light of my computer monitor. Him with his head on my chest breathing slowly and deeply. Me, typing away trying to breathe in each of his breaths. Crying new tears...tears of awe, of thankfulness, of a love so deep...it's unfathomable. If I could I'd stay here in this chair, like this...forever. My life is perfect.