Hard news to break

My worst fear has come true. Friday morning I started to miscarry. It was a sad, slow, hard day. When I first saw the blood I had a bit of hope that it might be just a fluke. Within an hour I was pretty sure it was a done deal. Tom called home about 15mins after I was sure and I told him. He sounded upset and shaken and tried to console me. He mentioned a few comments people at work made when they heard I was pg. I hope they are more sensitive toward him when they hear I'm not anymore. I can imagine the callous things that they say to him. It makes me mad. If this was a first or second pregnancy there'd be plenty of sympathy. I'm a bit afraid that Tom will decide this means his decision to be less cautious was wrong. I hope not. This isn't how I want my childbearing years to end!

After talking to Tom I had to run Michelle and Val to a friend's house. When I got home I told the rest of the kids that were here. Eileen and Olivia were the hardest to deal with. They were full of lots of questions. How did I know the baby died? What if it didn't? Am I sure? But what if... those were the hardest to deal with. The ones that were looking for hope. The poor kids didn't know what to do or say all day when I'd suddenly break into tears.

What I wanted to do the most was call Tom and ask him to come home from work early. I just wanted him here. I never did BUT he came home on his own about 1:30. :o) While working in the kitchen I suggested that he might consider taking off Tues and Wed so he'd have a loooong weekend. His reply...I can't. I have to save it for when the....oops. :o( I know how he feels. Eileen was cleaning her room and brought me one of Danielle's fleece booties from last winter. I said to myself...Oh I have to save this for the new baby...

I'd planned on getting a lot of work (mostly laundry) done. While I got some done it wasn't nearly enough. In the evening I felt claustraphobic so headed out into the backyard. I spied the rake and attacked the lawn. We raked up 6 lawncarts full of grass. I have a tiny blister on my thumb because of it but it felt good to work so hard!

Saturday morning I woke up early with plans to get all the work done that I wanted to do on Friday. I immediately went into the basement to do laundry. Before I could fold half the load in the dryer, Danielle had woken up and was crying. She's been a klingon and nursing constantly since. I don't really know WHY she's doing this but oh well. Part of me doesn't want to deal with her. Ontop of wanting to be selfish and just deal with ME. I've had her 24/7 for TWO weeks solid!!! I need a break.

My BIL's been out here since last night. Tom just came in to let me know BIL's paying for us to order pizza and wings. I could hug him! I really wasn't looking forward to grilling porkchops in the rain. They're ordered and Tom's on his way to pick them up. Guess I should go get things ready for dinner that I don't have to make! :o)