I don't know

I really didn't think I'd be able to get through Tuesday. I was fighting tears all morning. I kept thinking....if I'm this bad now, how am I going to be around people? I forget that there's strength in numbers. That seeing friends and being with family...there's strength in that. I was amazed at how many people came out, especially the friends from past. It was so good to see them. Tom's bestfriend came...we haven't seen him quite a few years. He was the bestman at our wedding and we used to be tight when our kids were little (their 2 kids are Pat's and Michelle's age). There were a lot of people from work came. Mostly for Tom and Bob, but many had also worked with Billy and their dad. Tom said he had fun showing us off to his co-workers. I asked if he pointed me out by saying...the foxy one over there. ;o)

Tom has this intense desire to have order to everything. He's working hard to get things done around here, mostly outside. He's been in and out of Billy's trailer. His mind is going a mile a minute planning and organizing things. I don't blame him, I've had the same sense. Unfortunately for me the little ones put a damper on any huge plans, plus my body isn't on the same page. I also totally understand the need to keep his mind busy. It's those quiet times when everything just crashes down.

I've been worried about Jake, Billy's been like a father to him. They went camping for weeks last summer....just the two of them. Jake spent most of his summer days hanging out with him out back. Jake has his uncle's quick wit and could give it back to him like no other. Billy got quite the kick out of him. Knowing that Jake's usually a firecracker and has a ton to say, it's been hard to see him so quiet. Tonight him and Tom were hanging out out back. Tom said they talked quite a bit about how much they'll miss them. Jake said they just have to remember the happy times. Luckily there were a lot of them.

Val told me she had a dream this morning. She was walking in our woods and found a lake that we obviously don't have. Billy was back there, building a log cabin. She woke up after thinking....he isn't gone! He was just hiding.

Me, I seem to be living most of the days in unfinished thoughts and it's very upsetting. I'm constantly stopping myself midsentence because the rest of it can't be said. I went to BJ's yesterday to get some groceries. I was in the beverage aisle getting iced tea mix and the cases of V-8 caught my eye. I thought to say...I should get some for Billy...luckily I didn't say it to the kids who were with me. We were having steak and baked potatoes last night (Val's pick for her birthday dinner). It was one of Billy's favorite meals. I started to tell someone to save some steak for Uncle Billy and had to stop myself. Tom was dropping off Michelle to work today and then going to the Res to buy cigarettes. I stopped myself just as I was about to ask him if he was picking up any for Billy. He's everywhere here and in almost everything I do. I just want to get away, I can only imagine how hard it is for Tom. As hard as it's going to be for Tom, I'm thinking going to work on Monday will be a good thing. At least there he can get distracted and "forget" for a few minutes. I know going to school has been good for the kids. Although I wish they didn't have to deal with the rumors. People...if you don't know for sure...keep it to yourself!!!! (and yes, I need to heed my own advice at times)

Michelle has the day off tomorrow so no driving for us. YIPPEE! Although we aren't staying home. We're going to Della's for lunch. At least I hope we are, meaning no one gets sick between now and then. Seems Drew started barfing yesterday. Hopefully no one else caught it from him. I do NOT want to deal with a throwup bug. Actually I'd prefer not to deal with anything. Yet, that can't happen. Kids still have to go to school, do projects, diapers need to be changed, kids need attention and dinner needs to be made. Life continues on, even when you don't know how it can. And in that...there is healing.

ps...sorry for the weird date thing, I started this yesterday but didn't get far so restarted it today. I edited it to correct the date.