GUILT

Seems I've been writing about this a lot lately.   This morning it actually smothered me into a crying fit.   Well a harried and stressful drive didn't help, but still it's got me physically.  I'm working on not letting it and everything else that comes with it (depression, anxiety, etc) get to me but today..........EPIC FAIL!   It's been a hard week.  Tom's been on call and hasn't been able to help with any of the driving. To top it off the girls both worked mega hours and there wasn't a lot of coordination of schedules.   Amazingly God's hand is at work though.  Another huge work week for both of them but every day there's some overlap with their schedules so my trips are reduced.  Val's only day off happens to be a day Liz has off and they are both working the same hours on Tuesday which has never happened (meaning I only drive in twice that day!).  The hard day is going to be Monday because Luke has a dr appt in the big city for worker's comp 2.5 hrs before Val needs to be at work. As long as they are expeditious at the appt, I'll be ok. But a big delay and I'm in deep doodoo.   I guess I could leave him there and ask my parents' to pick him up when he's done, or he can walk to their house since   it's only about 4 or 5  miles.  Only problem with that is then I'll have to take another trip to the big city that day.   It would be nice if Tom could pick him up after work, but only county workers are allowed in their vehicles.

I'm suppose to be attending a surprise birthday party for a friend from church tonight.   I leaning toward not going.  Right now I don't feel like I could go physically, which has never happened to me.  Be so overcome that  it prevents me from having fun.   I know people would say....all the more reason to go....to get encouragement and support.  I feel like if one person says hi to me, I'll break down, not really birthday party material IMO.  I also would really like to be able to stay home with Tom (if he doesn't get called out) and the kids since I would be the only one going to the party.

Tomorrow is a lacrosse game at the Dome and the church is working it.  I was hoping not to sign up but they're 2 people short and asked and I've been debating it.  This morning I decided there was no way I could do it.  Then I realized that Tom's on call and might not be here to take the girls to and from work tomorrow afternoon,  so I have to be here.  I MIGHT be able to coordinate drop offs and pick ups with someone else, although I'm not sure who.  Thing is my brain won't let me have the brain power to work on that, so I'm declining.  Now if I could just get Luke to feel some sense of obligation and volunteer to take a spot, I'd be good.

Yesterday morning I woke Danielle up for school.   She took one look at me, wrapped her arms around my neck and said.... MOMMY! I hardly seen you last night!   Words to bruise a mommy's heart.   I was so tempted to not send her to school but she's missed a lot lately so we cuddled for a little bit and I sent her on her way.  I can't wait for spring break!!!!!  

OOPS!  I lost it again..   Tom was bitching about the cat getting into the trash which tends to be one of his weekly trash day rants.  It was bothering me to hear it and I asked him to stop.  He got irritated a more about that and bitched some more.  I yelled STOP and then locked myself in my room to have a good cry.  The poor kids (especially Olivia), I'm glad my niece just called and invited her over to spend the night.  I really hope this is a PMS thing.   I'm due for my period to start around my birthday (the 29th) so the timing looks right.  Because if it's not......