Thursday, October 14, 2004

Rest in Peace big guy

Shadow is gone. What a terrible day but we made it through can only get better from here on out. Liz, Luke, Carrie, Jake, Eileen and Olivia were home. The kids were in and out all morning. Shadow had spent the night in the trailer with BIL and his dog...Shadow's sister. Tom carried Shadow into the livingroom in the morning so the kids could cuddle with him. After giving him a treat he started gagging and peed right where he was laying. He's never done that before and didn't realize he was doing it then :o( When he realized he was wet and what must have happened he tried to get up but couldn't. Guess it just proved that we were making the right decision, even if he did seem to be improving in health and energy compared to last week.

Tom asked Pat to drive the car, allowing Tom to hold Shadow in the backseat. Pat said he couldn't do it and gave an excuse, I know it was because he didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to do it either because I'd been planning on taking the kids to the state park to have some fun and keep busy. I ended up driving. As soon as Tom picked him up to carry him into the car we both started bawling. It was a loooong tear filled 35 mile ride.

B met us out back of the pound. Tom carried Shadow into the garage, pet him and quickly jumped into the car. I was torn, I wanted to stay with him so he wouldn't get upset (he didn't anyways) or be with strangers...although he's met B a few times. I also just wanted to be away from the place. I gave him a kiss on his nose and a last pat then walked to the car where Tom was asking me...can we please just leave!

We stopped at my parents' house for a cup of coffee, some comfort and conversation. It seemed to be a good thing for us to do. We were both in a better state of mind when we left there. I've been thinking of him a lot these last 24hrs. One time the front door came open, I expected Shadow to be walking into the livingroom for the night. It was a kitten...cute but not what I expected or wanted to see.

I thought I had a good handle on things, until I started writing this. I guess I shouldn't fool myself. I know there will be times for a long time where I'll forget he's not here but expect him to be. (especially while clearing the dinner table) Sometimes I wonder why we put ourselves through this. Then I think of all the years he's been around, to hug, to brainlessly pet when zoning out was warranted, to walk alongside you while outside so you'd feel safe, to warm your feet when they were chilly, to just be there. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

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